Hirate Yurina Rockin On Japan interview short preview

This is just a preview of the full interview in the December Rockin'on Japan magazine, which comes out October 30th. They interviewed Techi for two hours, and have produced a 44-page special insert booklet for the magazine. What's presented in this preview are a series of quotes from Techi's answers. (Interview by Koyanagi Daisuke. Photo by Fujiwara Erina.)
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"There were times when my spirit seemed like it would be crushed, but I guess I always just looked to myself, over this year. In the end, I got through things somehow, but I always felt cornered, and I'd have to say I was worried about a lot of things."



"There are lots of things I'd rather not revisit. But thinking about it now, those are the important things. When there is anger in me, I gain energy. I think that's how we could produce a good album."

"There was a time when I wondered 'Just what am I?' When that became part of a song or a story, I got a feeling like: 'What's going on?' Really. Just when I was thinking about something, I'd get a song about exactly that, so it was easy to express in performance. It's been said that I become 'possessed,' but it's not that I turn completely into something. It's that the song fits me, and I get the feeling that that's me."

"Sometimes I feel: 'This is what I want to express.' If not, then I just can't do it. [In the national tour] people were not seeing just idols. We wanted to do a live based on thinking: 'What do I want to convey?'"

"For the first time, I told the members my true feelings. 'I can't express this... I want you to help me.' It took a lot of courage to say it. And they helped me a tremendous amount. The tour was the first time I was so honest. Many times members came to the dressing room saying they 'want to talk with Hirate' and I told them directly: 'I can't.' They all really supported me, and it saved me, on this tour."

source
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The full interview will be a must-read. These few quotes are enlightening, but I need more information before I really understand this summer properly. My own hypothesis/fantasy goes like this: Hirate was chosen centre when she was 14. She had no confidence she could do it, but went ahead and was very successful. But when she looked at her work, she only saw the faults. She watched her performances over and over again, never satisfied. This is all from previous interviews with Techi. 

She no doubt felt that there were other more deserving members, and felt their glare on her even if it wasn't there. Although in my opinion it likely was. There was more than one member who wanted to be centre, at one time or another. She hacked her way through the problems for a year, until this spring, never openly seeking help because she felt that would make her seem young and incompetent and unworthy. So she was being driven: by management, by circumstances, by herself. She must have felt she had no option but to keep on as she had been.

Then this summer, she really came close to breaking. She couldn't figure out how to convey things, was overwhelmed emotionally, and lost her way. To the point that she finally asked for help, and finally got it. But how to explain the drained, zombie-like performances in certain shows, or her inability to perform at all in others? Maybe it was when she got to that state that she realized she had to open up. And surely the exhaustion of constantly performing such energetic dances played a role.

Just after the tour, one member praised Techi as her beloved centre. I wonder how often anyone said anything like that to her over the previous year? And Fuu-chan has said it was only this summer that she really realized that Techi was as young as she is. Techi's power and grace in performance could easily fool you into thinking she was as strong as she seems on stage. One thing I feel is that Techi's troubles this summer may have finally made it crystal clear to all the other members that they can't do without her.

One thing that struck me in these excerpts was when Techi said that feeling anger in her gave her strength to perform. This is something I've noticed in myself, so it made sense to me. But if you let the anger take over, it's bad for everybody. You just have to use it and keep it at a distance. Somehow.

Just blathering. Sorry. But perhaps there are some grains of truth here. The full interview should tell us more.

I probably shouldn't end this with a laugh, but looking at the pic at the top of the page, Techi in her suit looks like a salaryman at the end of a hard day.